Life is full, full of surprises. It’s surprising how dreams come true. My dream, ever since I were a lad, was to be a member of the Labour Party. Some people want to join Labour because their parents were members. Some want to join because of particular issues. Some cads want to join because they dream of safe seats in Liverpool where they don’t actually have to speak to voters and can devote their time to being on This Week. Not me. I joined because I liked the sound of the words. Laaaaaaaaaaaaaabour Paaaaaaaaaaaaarty.
But values too! Such values. Values of the kind you have never known. I’ve seen values you people wouldn’t believe. Values on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched values glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those values will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.
“Get to the point,” I hear you cry! Well I won’t, because unlike the deluded left-wing sheeple who currently run Labour I am my own man. I will waffle in a self-important manner for as long as I can still breathe and type. Some people wait a lifetime for a moment….a moment like this. Key change. This is my time.
So here it is. After years of actually having to speak to idiots who had never even heard of Chuka Umunna, sometimes even having to touch them for God’s sake, I have had enough. I am leaving the Laaaaaaaaaaaaabour Paaaaaaaaaaaaaarty (still sounds good, huh?). This is no longer my party and I will cry if I want to.
I can no longer stay in a party where ‘moderate’ is a dirty word. Yes, I know the Laaaaaaaaaaaaaabour Paaaaaaaaaaaarty constitution states that it’s a ‘democratic socialist party’ and it was founded by socialists and all but come on. We all know that commie shit is doomed and ‘democratic socialism’ is just a euphemism for ‘Liberal Democrat but not deluded’. These dangerous idiots who actually want the party to be socialist have gone too far, too quickly. I cannot be in a party which expects me to actually have a problem with rabid Tories. I’ve got news for the Hateful Leighft (I’m quite proud of this): TORIES ARE HUMANS TOO! Some of my best friends are Tories. You’re not going to win them over by sending them to the gulags and you are certainly not going to win them over by actually substantively opposing them. As Mel B once said, “I may be a democratic socialist but I will fight to the death for your right to implement Tory policies!”
So yes, I am a ‘moderate’. I say it proudly! Haters gonna hate! Because the oinks need a credible and electable Labour Party. I know because I’ve actually spoken to some of them (see above). And I can assure you, when they’re not spouting deluded nonsense about nationalising industries, taxing the wealthy and bombing countries less they have very real concerns about immigration and welfare. Concerns which the Fearmongering Left-Outside-Alone Anastacias of the Labour Party choose to ignore because they hate ordinary people. I need a Labour Party which can be in government for these people. These people want their benefits sanctioned by a LABOUR government. These people want their disability benefits re-assessed by a LABOUR government. These people want their Academy schools and PFI NHS Foundation Trusts from a LABOUR government. What exactly is the point of the Laaaaaaaaaaaaaabour Paaaaaaaaaaaaarty (wey!) if it cannot help ordinary people by doing things we dislike when the Tories do them? What exactly is the point of it when it won’t provide people who care deeply about the poor, like what I do, a clear pathway to a safe seat?
I mean, the Leftageddon (needs work) actually think people would rather hear about Trident smdh just smdh. Hu carez, losers?! It’s not an issue! People don’t want to talk about such irrelevances on the doorstep, they instead want to talk about real concerns about how the Muslims are coming here and taking all of their jobs to fund terrorism. That’s what it says here, anyway. Newsflash: some people are racist. They drink tea. Racist mugs feeding the idea that immigration is a problem are both ironic and appealing!
Worst of all, the left are so high, high in the sky like a crazed communist death squad balloon hunting down moderates and SHOOTING THEM, high on their own self-righteousness that they actually criticise previous Laaaaaaabour governments. I mean sheesh, what are they – Tories (whom I deeply respect and actually find to be very pleasant company)? Labour should be a team. The kind of team which ploughs forward and never looks back. The kind of team which refuses to engage in self-reflection, which is an inherently communist idea in my opinion and I should know because I did it once and it was very unpleasant let me tell you. The Labour governments of 1997-2010 did many good things. Because it did many good things, it did no bad things. THIS IS HOW IT WORKS, LEFTILLIAN SHEEPLE! The fact that so much of the good is being, and has been, so easily rolled back by a Conservative government is just a further illustration of how inherently reasonable and not-actually-deserving-of-death-you-loonalefts the Conservative Party is. Quit droning on about wars! Quit droning on about tuition fees or advancing private sector involvement in health and education. NEWSFLASH: lots of people work in the private sector. This is a FACT which you can’t just wish away! Inequality might have gotten worse during Laaaaaabour’s time in office but that’s because so many hard-working rich people worked harder and got richer, which is good for Britain and good for the causes of Britain.
I can also no longer stand idly by, weeping in the kitchen, while the brutes currently in charge of Laaaaaaaaabour openly associate with human rights hating bigots. This has always been the job of the moderates and I’ll be damned if I have that taken from me. Because when a moderate is friends with a brutal dictator, sells arms to totalitarian regimes, openly supports governments which kill their own people and embrace regimes which quite literally sponsored terrorist acts against UK citizens, it’s done for the right reasons. It is mature and statesmanlike, as opposed to when the Asda left shared a platform with some massive bigot in 1993, an act which was shameful and can never be forgiven or forgotten because I will keep raising it, forever.
The hate-riddled left evildoers of doom will never win an election. It is for this reason that I have been going on every media platform available to me in the past 6 months to complain about them and tell people not to vote for them. All the fees from these appearances have gone to a good cause and I greatly enjoyed the Little Mix concert. But now that schtick is tired and if I reinvent myself as a Laaaaaaaaaaabour apostate pushed out by my own moderation I may get some more attention.
I care. And you should too. I am leaving the Cult of Killer Kommies and joining The Resistance, which is the name of my new anti-Labour column which you can read in the Telegraph every Thursday. Available in all good newsagents.